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@nascarcasm: How to bring essence of Talladega to your home - NASCAR

By @nascarcasm | Thursday, June 18, 2020

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We ALL wish we could be at Talladega Superspeedway this weekend, but only 5,000 will be able to do so. But there are myriad ways to bring the essence of NASCAR's premiere party track into the comforts of your own home! We'll tell you how!

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Talladega means big crashes. And these big crashes lead to the Talladega tradition of standing atop your motorhome and raising your arms in joy when you see one happening. Easily done at home as well! If a large, multi-car wreck happens, simply run out onto your roof and start screaming like a madman. Lots of hoots and hollers. If the neighbors call the authorities, you have done a good job.

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The easiest to replicate are the barbecue-sauce wrestling matches. It simply depends on how much you value you own master bathroom.

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If you're at Talladega, it means high speed, huge parties, and hearing "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd no less than 400 times during the weekend. You don’t even have a choice. That's why you take everyone's cell phone when they aren't looking and change their ringtone to "Sweet Home Alabama" and keep calling them. After they smash their iPhone with their own shoe, they'll eventually find it amusing.

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Bring that Talladega infield flavor into the living room with the simple and quick installation of a dancing pole. Don't worry -- just tell grandma that it's for additional structural support. Then quickly change the subject before she asks why it has so many fingerprints on it.

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One of the more memorable finishes at Talladega was in 2009 when after a wreck coming to the checkered flag, Carl Edwards hopped out of his car and ran the rest of the distance on foot! You too can re-create this brave show of fortitude by asking your Uber driver to drop you off 60 yards from your house, after which you sprint home in glory.

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It's very difficult to replicate the intensity of "The Big One" in your home. But you can certainly try, and here's how -- start an argument with one person in your house. Then gradually pull more people into the argument until there are like 18-20 people screaming at each other and they have no idea why. Now everyone's mad at each other and it all started because two people had a disagreement. See? Just that simple.

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"Ohhhhh, who is your friend?" asks grandma. "Just a pal who is helping me bring the essence of Talladega into our home, grandma!" you reply. "Grandma ... grandma keep your hands off of him please."

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It's not a weekend at Talladega without posting something regrettable on social media. You know the post -- you behaving very badly in some way shape or form that gets you called into the boss' office on Monday. But you can easily do a Talladega-style regret post at home! Post yourself twerking in front of the camera wearing barely anything! Post a video of yourself screaming along to a country song! Post a video of yourself acting like a jackass in general! Wait I just described TikTok, didn't I.

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Create the Monday-morning-after-Talladega scene by simply tossing a random variety of items into your front yard so that it resembles the infield when everyone is packing up and leaving. The more items, the more accurate. Recliners. Tables. Kiddie pools that were used to ice down bottles of Aftershock. Your friend Pete, who is definitely not making it into work today.

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June 18, 2020 at 10:46PM
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@nascarcasm: How to bring essence of Talladega to your home - NASCAR
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